Somebody should do something

Lilly Tomlin said it best: "I said 'Somebody should do something about that.'  Then I realized I am somebody."

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people

"I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out."- David Sedaris

Everyone hasn't met me yet

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
 He said I was being ridiculous
            - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

I like rice

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. - Mitch Hedberge

A friend to be silly with

"Most of us don't need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend
 to be silly with." - Robert Brault

Can't get the girl

“If I can't get the girl, at least give me more money”

Alan Alda

Meet my Maker

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill

I like long walks,

"I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me."

I wasn't finished

My wife said "Whatca doin' today?

I said "Nothing"

She said, "You did that yesterday"

I said "I wasnt finished yet"

lol

Grandpa started walking

"My grandpa started walking
  five miles a day when he was 60.
  Now he's 97 years old
  and we have no idea where the hell he
  is."

Design something foolproof

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design

something completely foolproof is to underestimate the

ingenuity of complete fools." - Douglas Adams